I tried to keep Gabriel up as late as possible. I even gave him cookies to get him bouncing off the walks but he climbed into bed and said he wanted to sleep. I dropped what I was doing and jumped in bed with him and said “no wait. Don’t go to sleep yet please. Let’s play more plus I want to rock you to sleep.” .he didn’t want to wait. He was exhausted. He crawled into our bed and went to sleep and I jumped in bed to pick him up and hold him.
I wanted to remind him that when he woke up I wouldn’t be next to him and I’ll be back soon but it will be longer than other doctor visits. The psychologists ask you not to lie to your kids and not just disappear.
Before I get to our conversation earlier in the day that left me in tears let me say this ….
I have tried so hard to prepare Gabriel for me to be gone for 68-90 days. Every day when Cesar would leave for work we would rock on the front porch and talk. We would watch the birds fly by and he would say “where they going?” I would quickly say “oh to see their Nana and cousins.” He would say “oh of course. Yeah. To play….ohhhhhh fun”. Then we would see deer run by one after another. Gabriel would ask me again “where they go?” I would again say “to see their nana and cousins.” Finally, he would catch on and know the story. He would point to different animals and say “run run. Go see your Nana.”
Then every night when we would rock on the porch and wait for Cesar to come home we would see the birds again. Then the deer. Gabriel would then ask me the same question “where they going Mommy?” and I would say “they are running back to be in their mommy’s arms so she can feed them and love them.” He would say “wow how nice.”
Every day he tells me what animals are going to see their Nana and who is running home to Mommy. It’s our story we share. It’s how we begin and end each day.
Tonight I reminded him of the story and told him that just like the birds, the deer and the squirrels he too is going to see his Nana and cousins. I told him Mommy has to go back to the hospital so doctors can take away my boo boo and make me all better but this time I will be gone longer than one day but that just like the birds and the deer he will soon be running back to me to feed him, hold him and play with him.
He looked at me… Paused. His lip curled and he said “but what if I kiss it and make you all better right now.? I stay with Mommy?” I was left speechless and in tears. I said “no Nana is waiting and so are your cousins and all your friends at school. It will be fun. I will call you and we will blow each other besos and laugh together and before you know it you will be back in my arms.” He didn’t answer.
It’s been a long long day. I’m ready to get cured and move in with my life and have normalcy.
I know this is a short time apart for a lifetime together but it doesn’t make leaving any easier. My heart is heavy. My baby will be in my arms all night.
I’ll #ArmorUp for LIFE® tomorrow.
It’s not in me tonight.
Thanks for all the prayers.
I’m very grateful for each one of you. Forever thankful for you keeping me strong.
I leave at 630am to make the drive. Cesar will follow me. I need my car for my caregivers to drive and use while they are visiting or I wouldn’t be driving in this condition. Don’t worry. I’ll be focused and strong tomorrow when I have to be.