Asking for prayer tonight as I get ready for my 6 month bone marrow biopsy and stem cell test procedure tomorrow.
I’m a mess and have been all week as I think about what this test will mean for my future. I will say this. I expect to do well but feeling better isn’t always an indicator that everything is ok.
Gabriel can read me well. All night tonight he kept trying to say something funny and would say “laugh Mami. Laugh. You aren’t laughing today.” He made me cry. He saw right through me. I just can’t hide my nerves and raw emotions.
I’m so scared. Forget that it is painful and it’s like a corkscrew going into your bone and you are awake but it will take a much deeper look then they have since the procedure to look at (1) the current cells and (2) the stem cells which shows what will be produced NEXT. It is the same stem cell test that saw the cancer coming back last time that threw me into my transplant. (By the way, it is fully funded by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Please support them. They save lives. )
It might be easy to try to give me advice and say “don’t worry. You look healthy. You are working out and seem great. Everything must be fine” but for many cancer survivors like myself –we know better. We have felt fine before and heard the worst. I walked 8 miles one day during treatment because of my will to live but I STILL had Cancer. I had friends who walked those laps with me, prayed with me, loved his kids as much as I love Gabriel but that wasn’t enough. I lost him too. I had friends who were in remission and cheered me on while I fought only to see them relapse and die. Yes, while there are so many great survivor stories , there are also these stories. This is the reality of this horrible disease. Not everyone wins.
My friends who are winning right now help keep me strong and so do all of you who #ArmorUp for LIFE.
While I try to live each day surrounded by positive memories- it’s hard not to let fear creep back in when you have witnessed so much and reality sets back in when you go back for more testing.
Yes, I’m in remission. I hope I stay in remission. I pray my bone marrow is 100% my sister’s DNA. I pray my stem cells show no sign of leukemia. I pray those flashbacks that haunt me of hearing my son scream and seeing his face at the window crying for me as I drove away each time for treatment one day go away. I pray I never have to leave him again. Ever. I pray my husband never has to juggle work and helping me fight for my life again. I pray for calm, I pray for good health and finally happiness.
I pray we are ALL one day cured.
#ArmorUp for LIFE
Please if you don’t do anything else. Get fit and be prepared to fight whatever may come your way.